Governor Palin Unleashes Her Man Within

Americans from sea to shining sea smiled last night as Former Beauty Queen, Current Alaskan Governor, and Future First Female Vice-President Sarah Palin laid waste to her enemies in the democrat party on the second night of the 2008 Republican National Convention. While the esteemed nominee for Vice President is generally given the privilege of speaking on the third and penultimate night of the event, Future President John McCain graciously chose to effectively cancel the first night’s celebration, and instead spend the night bowed in holy prayer as the Republican citizens of the Gulf Coast were terrorized by Hurricane Gustav.

As last night’s festivities began, Mrs. Palin’s fisherman-husband cradled their disabled child. In a nod to Baby Finley, a loving Levi Johnston stood like a man beside his impregnated fiancé, Bristol, manning up to his mistake and making the promise to be the father that B. Hussein Obama’s never was. John McCain bet Mrs. Palin’s beloved first-born son Track fifty dollars that upon the latter's deployment to the Front Lines later this month, he wouldn't succeed in deep-sixing as many of America’s enemies as the Senator did before his brutal incarceration by the Viet Cong.

Rudy Giuliani, best known for saving New York on 9/11 (Never Forget), got the party started by firing up the crowd. Speaking the views of virtually all Americans, he began a “Drill baby drill!” chant, affirming that if John McCain is President, he will burn every inch of American wilderness to the ground before giving another penny to the Islamic world. He proceeded to introduce America’s next Beauty Queen Vice President.

Mrs. Palin turned gender stereotypes upside down as she abused B. Hussein Obama for almost a half hour. She triumphantly accepted her nomination to the cheers of thousands. Hillary Clinton dove for cover as jagged shards of the glass ceiling rained down upon her.

She mocked B. Hussein’s embrace of the sham-global warming movement, screaming to a cheering crowd, "When the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot, what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet?" She pointed out that “[America’s first Black Muslim Presidential Candidate] is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word ‘victory’ except when he's talking about his own campaign.” She emphasized that B. Hussein Obama wants “to [break the back of an innocent] America [under attack by] a dangerous world.” She insinuated that he hopes to see her beloved son on a grainy home video, kneeling without hope at the feet of a bloodthirsty Islamic terrorist.

She went on to smash Joe Biden, the business-as-usual Washington insider who went from decrying the thought of a Hussein presidency, to beaming with glee as the man mouth-kissed his wife on national TV. Biden, who has never owned a penny that wasn’t stolen from the pocket of a hardworking America, has never pulled a trigger for his country.

Sensing the end of the speech approaching, the crowd hushed, solemnly awaiting Mrs. Palin’s last words. They did not disappoint.

“God bless America.”

Mrs. Palin: Let The Grizz speak for America. “May God bless you. Let Freedom Ring.”

Americans and Iraqis Pray for Collapse of Ceasefire and Subsequent Liquidation of Mahdi Army

Major media outlets reported today that Nuri al-Maliki, Prime Minister of Free Iraq, grabbed his Kalashnikov and raced to the front lines of the War on Evil as thousands of valiant Iraqi and Coalition Troops massed in preparation for a decisive battle for the country's - and the world's - future. Iranian trained, sponsored and celebrated Terrorists have taken Americas ever-so-temporary acceptance of their continued existence this side of Paradise as a sign of weakness, and a blank check to carry out their blood-thirsty designs against the will of Basra and Baghdad's citizenry. Now, they're going to pay.

Because the American military has generously trained Iraqi security forces to the highest level of efficiency that would still allow for their utter decimation by the Israeli Defense Forces in a crisis, the Natives are taking the fight to The Enemy almost exclusively. The exceptions are American Special Forces advisers and aircraft, which coordinate to rain an almost constant barrage of hellfire down upon the anti-Iraqi insurgents. Unfortunately, the vast majority of Young Americans down-range are forced to listen to the thunderous battle from a distance, salivating at the thought of getting their own little piece of revenge for 9/11.

Colonel Bill Buckner - no relation to one of American history's most prolific losers - proved that this was "an Iraqi-planned, -led and -executed mission at the direction of the Iraqi prime minister." He claimed that the operations were aimed at crushing "the lawlessness that has been going on under religious or political cover, along with smuggling of oil, weapons, and drugs." Most Americans, however, knew that the battles were mainly focused at weakening Osama bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda henchmen. Colonel Bill also noted that several thousand pinkie-wavers were enjoying tea and scones outside of Basra, ready to sweep in and deliver coup-de-graces to severely wounded, though still breathing foes where necessary. The Grizz, for one, wouldn't mind seeing a few of them swept off for some well-deserved R&R at the tropical prison in Guantanamo.

Americans across the country smiled over their morning cup of joe this morning as they listened to news reports announcing the slaughter of more than 50 blood-soaked Revolutionaries across Iraq by victorious Freedom Forces. The Freedom Brothers pray the so-called "truce" between these Heroes and The Enemy collapses as soon as possible, and that these numbers soon climb to three, then four digits.

Bizarrely, Egyptians Take a Stand Against Terror

"Hi, Saddam? I'll be right down!"

Confusing reports emerged today that Egypt, homeland of blood-thirsty hijacker Mohammad Atta, has been torturing several of their Hamas terrorist allies, whom they apprehended during the Gaza Border Breach Bonanza in January. Whether or not The Grizz would try to squeeze a single drop of salt water from his face was not in question, though what exactly constituted said "torture" was.

The Freedom Brothers recently touched on the inconsistency of Islamists in regards to torture (being in a room with a menstruating female, yes; sawing a bound and screaming man's head from his torso in a dungeon, no), so we'll wait to hear the Egyptian authorities take before evaluating the situation. One way or another, neither The Grizz or Freedom Eagle is crying over spilt milk. As long as America's reputation remains untarnished, it isn't of much concern whether or not a barely functioning dictatorship is abusing hell-bent Terrorists originating in Occupied Gaza - an overpopulated, festering wasteland pragmatically jettisoned by a larger, more prosperous Democracy.

As it turns out, there was even more good news coming out of the region today. Hilariously, two Hamas insurgents hopped on the express train to Paradise when they dismembered themselves in an incident the left-wing media referred to as an "accidental explosion," but the Freedom Brothers called "deliverance of supreme justice by an all-powerful God."

Woops.

According to the Jerusalem Post, hysterical Terrorists ran around in tears, trying their best to keep photographers and other journalists away from the scene, obviously aware of the massive embarrassment this would cause them. Unfortunately, their best efforts were in vain, and they were humiliated before tens, probably hundreds of millions of viewers worldwide.

The Freedom Brothers encourage the Terrorists to seek better training before attempting to handle dangerous items in the future. There's no way for The Troops to take the fight to them if they go killing themselves before the starting bell.

Bring it on.

George W. Bush Smiles Benevolently Down Upon the Free Iraqi People

"I will forever be indebted to you."

Five years ago today, the United States Military was killing its way across the Southern Iraqi countryside, well on its way to delivering Liberties and Luxuries even the dream of which would have previously earned one of that nation's citizens a hardcore torture session in one of Uday Hussein's dungeons. Now, they fear no more. In the wake of Our President George W. Bush's total victory over his nemesis Saddam, the formation of the non-sectarian Iraqi Government, the Free Democratic elections, and now The Surge, Iraqis - whether they live in the rugged mountains of Kurdistan or the sun-scorched badlands of the Arabian desert - are loving life and the Freedoms generously bestowed upon them by America.

President Bush celebrated Iraq’s fifth Independence Day with thousands of jubilant warriors at America’s military citadel, The Pentagon. He declared that, “The successes we are seeing in Iraq are undeniable! The surge has done more than turn the situation in Iraq around, it has opened the door to a major strategic victory in the broader war on terror.” He added that “the level of violence is significantly down, civilian deaths are down, sectarian killings are down, [and] attacks on American forces are down." The Troops cheered. President Bush was only able to calm them by promising that they’d be allowed back to the front lines as soon as possible, where they could continue their fight against The Enemy.

The situation in Washington differed starkly from that in Fayetteville, N.C, where Barack Hussein mentally defecated on the more than 1,000,000 men and women who have died for their country since it won its own Independence 231 1/2 years earlier. "Nearly 4,000 Americans have given their lives” for absolutely nothing, he told the small group of fringe leftists that gathered for his hate rally. He added, “We are less safe and less able to shape events abroad. We are divided at home and our alliances around the world have been strained."

Whether or not America’s relationships with Barack’s namesake Saddam, little man, fat man, or Kim Jong-Il – even under the Clinton regime – could be characterized as “alliances" is subject to some debate, but in any event, if the “straining” of them is a bad thing, then The Grizz is Rupaul.

This disparity just highlights why it is so important for Americans to vote for War Hero and Future-President John McCain in the landslide victory he will achieve in November. If Barack Hussein or Bill Clinton's Wife somehow manage to infiltrate the White House, it may be the Iraqis coming to our aid next time around.

Johnny Got His Gun: McCain Back in Familiar Place on the Front Lines

War Hero and Future-President John McCain solemnly worships the Judeo-Christian God at the Western Wall Wednesday

This week, the bane of Vietnam, John McCain, has headed to not just one, but both fronts in the War for Freedom: Liberated Iraq and Israel. Despite the pleas of concerned Americans from Sea to Shining Sea, the War Hero and Future-President made it clear: he's only truly at home when he's standing on a blood-drenched battlefield, staring down upon the dismembered corpse of an Enemy Of America. Khalid Sheikh Mohammad was unavailable for comment due to his ongoing - and presumably never-ending - incarceration at the tropical prison in Guantanamo.

On Wednesday, McCain dared the Angel of Death by visiting the battle-scarred southern Israeli city of Sderot. For the last five years, this community has had no shelter from an almost constant rain of hellfire generated by its "peace partners" in Occupied Gaza. McCain warned The Enemy that there will be hell to pay once he's elected President of the United States of America in a landslide victory this November. The Freedom Brothers have the utmost confidence in the Heroes of the Israeli Defense Forces, but to be completely honest, The Grizz wouldn't mind seeing the United States Marine Corps spill a little blood in the fetid slums of that savage wasteland.

In the run-up to his trip, America's Newspaper, the Washington Times contacted Mary Anne Marsh, a political operative closely associated with the dnc, for comic relief. She pretended that the trip is aimed at making John McCain "look presidential," similarly to the "orchestrated hand off with President Bush at the White House several weeks ago." She didn't clarify how Bill Clinton's Wife's experience in the laundry room, or Barack Hussein's experience haggling for drugs on a street corner, made them "look" more presidential than a man with literally dozens of confirmed kills, and who endured more than a quinquennium of torture in a Viet Cong concentration camp.

McCain's courage once again demonstrates that he is the only true heir to Our President George W. Bush, and suggests that America will soon conquer the entire Middle East on its path to Total Victory over Evil. The Freedom Brothers know that their Hero said a prayer for each and every American on his visit to Judaism's holiest sanctuary, the Western Wall, on Wednesday; let each and every American say a prayer for him.

Hayden: Guantanamo Bay Is Not a Day Spa for Mujahadeen

"So what you're telling me is that I can't call Time Out? No fair!"

Most liberals would rather watch paramedics stack corpses from the latest Washington, D.C. suicide bombing than hear that a caveman trying to kill The Troops in Iraq got anything worse than a hot stone massage and steak dinner. Fortunately, this sentiment is not shared by CIA Director, General and All-American Hero Michael Hayden, who confirmed yesterday that the CIA would continue to make Terrorists endure such hardships as sleeping with the lights on, getting lap-dances from female Marines, and sitting Indian-style for a really long time.

The CIA has come under pressure from such left-wing fringists as Code Pink, George Clooney, and Hamas for the "harsh" tactics it uses to avenge 9/11 and obtain actionable intelligence from Al-Qaeda operatives. Of specific concern to these parties is the purported use of waterboarding, which involves making a Terrorist lie down and drink water at the same time. Maybe they should spend less time mommying Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, and more time mommying their own kids, who, instead of joining Our Military and fighting for their country, are probably trying to drown themselves with beer in some filthy cesspool in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

General Hayden responded to one particular criticism frequently cited by liberals; American intelligence agencies do not follow the specific restrictions set forth by the U.S. Army Interrogation Field Manual. Hayden kept his point simple, so even burnt-out, emotionally-shattered freaks like Cindy Sheehan could get the message: "The Army field manual does not exhaust the universe of lawful interrogation techniques." In a rush to get back to his work Defending the Freedom of every hard-working American, he didn't waste time clarifying the U.S. Army's policy of turning insurgents into scrapple with .50 caliber machine guns.

The Freedom Brothers laud General Hayden and Our President George W. Bush for their willingness to get their hands a little dirty when it comes to fighting the War for Freedom. We urge all Americans to trust their leaders, who know best when it comes to protecting, interpreting and enforcing their Rights as citizens of the world's freest country.

No Man Left Behind: McCain Won't Abandon Iraq Like the Anti-War Movement Abandoned Him

It's likely that virtually every (surviving) member of the shattered Iraqi insurgency is too ignorant to have been following the Republican and democrat primaries in recent weeks. If they weren't, they surely would have been emboldened by losers barack hussein and Bill Clinton's Wife, who actually had the nerve to mock War Hero and Future President John McCain for promising that we'd stay in Iraq until all of the terrorists were dead.

This courageous statement was made last month at a family-style town hall event, and echoed again last night in an interview with weak-hearted liberal Larry King. At the original meeting, a patriotic Republican in attendence asked McCain if he had the bravery to follow through with Our President George W. Bush's earlier promise to stay in Iraq for the next 50 years. McCain did him one better.

"Hell, maybe 100. As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me and I hope it would be fine with you if we maintain a presence in a very volatile part of the world where al Qaeda is training, recruiting, equipping and motivating people every single day." Considering that in the wake of the Surge, Baghdad is safer than many American inner-city immigrant neighorhoods, this scenario will be the likely case.

McCain's courageous display came on the heels of his endorsement by Mitt Romeny, a True Conservative who sucked it up like a man, and bowed out of the race in order to preserve the integrity and unity of the Republican Party. You'd never see a liberal acting with tact like that: Bill Clinton's Wife will rabidly push herself until she explodes like a terrorist, taking the democrat party down with her.