Bashar Assad Finally Gets It Right

Bashar Assad, squishy-faced president of Syria - the America of Evil - finally blurted out a truthful statement about Israel in between high-fives with other Terrorist Sponsors at today's Arab Summit in Damascus. "Jerusalem has rejected every peace initiative over the last 30 years... [The bastion of modernity, prosperity, equality and morality surrounded by destitute, uneducated masses operating with a Before Christ worldview] is exploiting the internal Palestinian divisions for its own benefit," he sniffled.

He's damn right it is.

Since its scorched-earth campaign and triumph over Arab aggressors in 1967, Israel has justifiably taken advantage of every one of its Enemies' weaknesses - lack of cohesion, lack of benevolent sponsors (such as The United States of America), and simple lack of intelligence. There is no reason that Israelis shouldn't be dancing the hora in the streets every time an Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade revolutionary turns a Hamas suicide bomber into ground pork before he can get shot while trying to cross the Security Wall. That bullet would have cost Israel a fraction of an agorot - a virtually infinite sum when compared to the completely unvalued life it has been dispatched to take.

Unfortunately, a large number of fellow Islamic Extremists weren't on premisis to witness Assad break the Truth barrier. Embarrassingly, the Summit was shunned by Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and Lebanon's heads of state. The leaders of the former were too busy carrying out America's will in exchange for its generous protection of their heads, which would surely have been severed from their bodies were it not for their powerful benefactors. The Prime Minister of the latter was most likely assassinated on his way to the airport, and the Freedom Brothers can only hope that Hosni Mubarak and King Abdullah were occupied torturing Palestinian extremists in the dungeons of their respective citadels. Nuri al-Maliki obviously wasn't in attendance - as the Freedom Brothers reported earlier this week, he was too busy overseeing the complete liquidation of Mahdi Army forces in Free Basra, Iraq.

The Grizz applauds Heir Assad on his effort to bring a little Truth to the region - up until now, that was a commodity delivered to the people only in the form of bomblets dispersed by Israeli anti-personnel cluster munitions. Unfortunately, considering the mentality of the locals, the Truth hurts whether it comes in the form of a white-hot shard of metal, or in that unintelligible gurgle that is the Arabic language as it spews out from Bashar Assad's stupid face.

Americans and Iraqis Pray for Collapse of Ceasefire and Subsequent Liquidation of Mahdi Army

Major media outlets reported today that Nuri al-Maliki, Prime Minister of Free Iraq, grabbed his Kalashnikov and raced to the front lines of the War on Evil as thousands of valiant Iraqi and Coalition Troops massed in preparation for a decisive battle for the country's - and the world's - future. Iranian trained, sponsored and celebrated Terrorists have taken Americas ever-so-temporary acceptance of their continued existence this side of Paradise as a sign of weakness, and a blank check to carry out their blood-thirsty designs against the will of Basra and Baghdad's citizenry. Now, they're going to pay.

Because the American military has generously trained Iraqi security forces to the highest level of efficiency that would still allow for their utter decimation by the Israeli Defense Forces in a crisis, the Natives are taking the fight to The Enemy almost exclusively. The exceptions are American Special Forces advisers and aircraft, which coordinate to rain an almost constant barrage of hellfire down upon the anti-Iraqi insurgents. Unfortunately, the vast majority of Young Americans down-range are forced to listen to the thunderous battle from a distance, salivating at the thought of getting their own little piece of revenge for 9/11.

Colonel Bill Buckner - no relation to one of American history's most prolific losers - proved that this was "an Iraqi-planned, -led and -executed mission at the direction of the Iraqi prime minister." He claimed that the operations were aimed at crushing "the lawlessness that has been going on under religious or political cover, along with smuggling of oil, weapons, and drugs." Most Americans, however, knew that the battles were mainly focused at weakening Osama bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda henchmen. Colonel Bill also noted that several thousand pinkie-wavers were enjoying tea and scones outside of Basra, ready to sweep in and deliver coup-de-graces to severely wounded, though still breathing foes where necessary. The Grizz, for one, wouldn't mind seeing a few of them swept off for some well-deserved R&R at the tropical prison in Guantanamo.

Americans across the country smiled over their morning cup of joe this morning as they listened to news reports announcing the slaughter of more than 50 blood-soaked Revolutionaries across Iraq by victorious Freedom Forces. The Freedom Brothers pray the so-called "truce" between these Heroes and The Enemy collapses as soon as possible, and that these numbers soon climb to three, then four digits.

Bizarrely, Egyptians Take a Stand Against Terror

"Hi, Saddam? I'll be right down!"

Confusing reports emerged today that Egypt, homeland of blood-thirsty hijacker Mohammad Atta, has been torturing several of their Hamas terrorist allies, whom they apprehended during the Gaza Border Breach Bonanza in January. Whether or not The Grizz would try to squeeze a single drop of salt water from his face was not in question, though what exactly constituted said "torture" was.

The Freedom Brothers recently touched on the inconsistency of Islamists in regards to torture (being in a room with a menstruating female, yes; sawing a bound and screaming man's head from his torso in a dungeon, no), so we'll wait to hear the Egyptian authorities take before evaluating the situation. One way or another, neither The Grizz or Freedom Eagle is crying over spilt milk. As long as America's reputation remains untarnished, it isn't of much concern whether or not a barely functioning dictatorship is abusing hell-bent Terrorists originating in Occupied Gaza - an overpopulated, festering wasteland pragmatically jettisoned by a larger, more prosperous Democracy.

As it turns out, there was even more good news coming out of the region today. Hilariously, two Hamas insurgents hopped on the express train to Paradise when they dismembered themselves in an incident the left-wing media referred to as an "accidental explosion," but the Freedom Brothers called "deliverance of supreme justice by an all-powerful God."

Woops.

According to the Jerusalem Post, hysterical Terrorists ran around in tears, trying their best to keep photographers and other journalists away from the scene, obviously aware of the massive embarrassment this would cause them. Unfortunately, their best efforts were in vain, and they were humiliated before tens, probably hundreds of millions of viewers worldwide.

The Freedom Brothers encourage the Terrorists to seek better training before attempting to handle dangerous items in the future. There's no way for The Troops to take the fight to them if they go killing themselves before the starting bell.

Bring it on.

George W. Bush Smiles Benevolently Down Upon the Free Iraqi People

"I will forever be indebted to you."

Five years ago today, the United States Military was killing its way across the Southern Iraqi countryside, well on its way to delivering Liberties and Luxuries even the dream of which would have previously earned one of that nation's citizens a hardcore torture session in one of Uday Hussein's dungeons. Now, they fear no more. In the wake of Our President George W. Bush's total victory over his nemesis Saddam, the formation of the non-sectarian Iraqi Government, the Free Democratic elections, and now The Surge, Iraqis - whether they live in the rugged mountains of Kurdistan or the sun-scorched badlands of the Arabian desert - are loving life and the Freedoms generously bestowed upon them by America.

President Bush celebrated Iraq’s fifth Independence Day with thousands of jubilant warriors at America’s military citadel, The Pentagon. He declared that, “The successes we are seeing in Iraq are undeniable! The surge has done more than turn the situation in Iraq around, it has opened the door to a major strategic victory in the broader war on terror.” He added that “the level of violence is significantly down, civilian deaths are down, sectarian killings are down, [and] attacks on American forces are down." The Troops cheered. President Bush was only able to calm them by promising that they’d be allowed back to the front lines as soon as possible, where they could continue their fight against The Enemy.

The situation in Washington differed starkly from that in Fayetteville, N.C, where Barack Hussein mentally defecated on the more than 1,000,000 men and women who have died for their country since it won its own Independence 231 1/2 years earlier. "Nearly 4,000 Americans have given their lives” for absolutely nothing, he told the small group of fringe leftists that gathered for his hate rally. He added, “We are less safe and less able to shape events abroad. We are divided at home and our alliances around the world have been strained."

Whether or not America’s relationships with Barack’s namesake Saddam, little man, fat man, or Kim Jong-Il – even under the Clinton regime – could be characterized as “alliances" is subject to some debate, but in any event, if the “straining” of them is a bad thing, then The Grizz is Rupaul.

This disparity just highlights why it is so important for Americans to vote for War Hero and Future-President John McCain in the landslide victory he will achieve in November. If Barack Hussein or Bill Clinton's Wife somehow manage to infiltrate the White House, it may be the Iraqis coming to our aid next time around.

Johnny Got His Gun: McCain Back in Familiar Place on the Front Lines

War Hero and Future-President John McCain solemnly worships the Judeo-Christian God at the Western Wall Wednesday

This week, the bane of Vietnam, John McCain, has headed to not just one, but both fronts in the War for Freedom: Liberated Iraq and Israel. Despite the pleas of concerned Americans from Sea to Shining Sea, the War Hero and Future-President made it clear: he's only truly at home when he's standing on a blood-drenched battlefield, staring down upon the dismembered corpse of an Enemy Of America. Khalid Sheikh Mohammad was unavailable for comment due to his ongoing - and presumably never-ending - incarceration at the tropical prison in Guantanamo.

On Wednesday, McCain dared the Angel of Death by visiting the battle-scarred southern Israeli city of Sderot. For the last five years, this community has had no shelter from an almost constant rain of hellfire generated by its "peace partners" in Occupied Gaza. McCain warned The Enemy that there will be hell to pay once he's elected President of the United States of America in a landslide victory this November. The Freedom Brothers have the utmost confidence in the Heroes of the Israeli Defense Forces, but to be completely honest, The Grizz wouldn't mind seeing the United States Marine Corps spill a little blood in the fetid slums of that savage wasteland.

In the run-up to his trip, America's Newspaper, the Washington Times contacted Mary Anne Marsh, a political operative closely associated with the dnc, for comic relief. She pretended that the trip is aimed at making John McCain "look presidential," similarly to the "orchestrated hand off with President Bush at the White House several weeks ago." She didn't clarify how Bill Clinton's Wife's experience in the laundry room, or Barack Hussein's experience haggling for drugs on a street corner, made them "look" more presidential than a man with literally dozens of confirmed kills, and who endured more than a quinquennium of torture in a Viet Cong concentration camp.

McCain's courage once again demonstrates that he is the only true heir to Our President George W. Bush, and suggests that America will soon conquer the entire Middle East on its path to Total Victory over Evil. The Freedom Brothers know that their Hero said a prayer for each and every American on his visit to Judaism's holiest sanctuary, the Western Wall, on Wednesday; let each and every American say a prayer for him.

America Keeps Kim Jong Il in the Crosshairs as Europeans Bend Over

"Come and get it, Monsieur Chirac."

It was the sixth of September, 2007. Tens, maybe/hopefully hundreds of agents of the Syrian terrorist regime had a cup of coffee, kissed their families goodbye, and drove to work the night shift at a top secret government facility nestled just along the Iraqi border. Arriving, they sat down at their desks and began their day's work - engineering the extermination of the Jewish and American peoples. Around midnight, their minds drifted happily towards their soon coming, hard-earned break. Unfortunately for them, the top guns of the Israeli Air Force were the ones fixing lunch.

A half dozen F-15I's from the 69th Squadron of the IAF gave the workers an early dismissal by way of hellfire. Neither the staff, nor the Syrian Atomic Weapons program survived the attack.

Six months later, details have emerged conclusively linking Kim Jong Il to the Syrians' nefarious mission. It's a fact that North Korean mad scientists in the employ of the Man with the Bad Haircut oversaw the nefarious project step by step. It's unclear what prompted this lunatic to draw up and sign his own death warrant, though surely the Godless communist's association with Islamic fundamentalists can't be inspired by the same theo-apocalyptic delusions of his comrades. Most likely he was offered a few loaves of stale bread, which are nearly impossible to come by inside his concentration camp of a country.

In any event, his motives are beside the point. What matters is that he pay.

And pay he will - so promises Our President George W. Bush. Even as America's "allies" drop their pants and grit their teeth for the demigod of the DPRK, the American Administration gets ready for Round II in the War on Evil and its proxies.

The Europeans are currently ready to sign and seal a treaty/suicide note written on their behalf by the North Korean regime. In it, the Freedom Forces encourage North Korea to take no accountability whatsoever for their previous work developing various doomsday devices, and respectfully request that they eventually cease said activities - if they don't mind.

The United States made it clear. There will be no compromise.

To quote Our Chief Negotiator, Christopher R. Hill, "We won't have a complete and correct declaration until we have a complete and correct declaration," and it says exactly what we want it to say.

The Freedom Brothers encourage Our Administration to hold firm in their demands. Legions of Young Americans are standing behind them as well, ready and willing to die for Global Liberty.

Freedom Isn't Free: Israelis Settle Tab, Arab Barbarian Paid in Full

News outlets around the world are buzzing about terrorist Imad Mughniyah. Apparently, the four-eyed fatso bought a first class ticket on a carbomb to hell yesterday. Rumor has it that he was flying El Al. The Freedom Brothers hope that when he arrives at his destination, he says hello to Heath Ledger for us.

Mughniyah was responsible for a laundry list of savage acts of terror perpetrated across the planet. His greatest hits include the 1983 car bombing that killed 241 U.S. Marines trying to subdue the degenerate population of Lebanon, the two Hezbollah Jewish Community Center suicide bombings in Buenos Aires, the cold-blooded hijacking/murder on TWA Flight 847 - the list goes on. Unfortunately, true justice could only be achieved were he resurrected and brutally killed again and again.

Currently, the heroes who carried out a little Hezbollah house cleaning yesterday are staying modest. We see the Israelis blushing, but at the same time they're giving a wink and a nod to American intelligence. The Grizz, for one, hopes that everybody got to have a little fun. Maybe next time they'll invite him along.

SIDENOTE: We just heard the news that American hero, Our Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates slipped on ice yesterday and broke his shoulder. Both Freedom Eagle and the Grizz wish him a speedy recovery. We hope he's recuperated and back terminating America's enemies as soon as possible.