Hayden: Guantanamo Bay Is Not a Day Spa for Mujahadeen

"So what you're telling me is that I can't call Time Out? No fair!"

Most liberals would rather watch paramedics stack corpses from the latest Washington, D.C. suicide bombing than hear that a caveman trying to kill The Troops in Iraq got anything worse than a hot stone massage and steak dinner. Fortunately, this sentiment is not shared by CIA Director, General and All-American Hero Michael Hayden, who confirmed yesterday that the CIA would continue to make Terrorists endure such hardships as sleeping with the lights on, getting lap-dances from female Marines, and sitting Indian-style for a really long time.

The CIA has come under pressure from such left-wing fringists as Code Pink, George Clooney, and Hamas for the "harsh" tactics it uses to avenge 9/11 and obtain actionable intelligence from Al-Qaeda operatives. Of specific concern to these parties is the purported use of waterboarding, which involves making a Terrorist lie down and drink water at the same time. Maybe they should spend less time mommying Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, and more time mommying their own kids, who, instead of joining Our Military and fighting for their country, are probably trying to drown themselves with beer in some filthy cesspool in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

General Hayden responded to one particular criticism frequently cited by liberals; American intelligence agencies do not follow the specific restrictions set forth by the U.S. Army Interrogation Field Manual. Hayden kept his point simple, so even burnt-out, emotionally-shattered freaks like Cindy Sheehan could get the message: "The Army field manual does not exhaust the universe of lawful interrogation techniques." In a rush to get back to his work Defending the Freedom of every hard-working American, he didn't waste time clarifying the U.S. Army's policy of turning insurgents into scrapple with .50 caliber machine guns.

The Freedom Brothers laud General Hayden and Our President George W. Bush for their willingness to get their hands a little dirty when it comes to fighting the War for Freedom. We urge all Americans to trust their leaders, who know best when it comes to protecting, interpreting and enforcing their Rights as citizens of the world's freest country.