Governor Palin Unleashes Her Man Within

Americans from sea to shining sea smiled last night as Former Beauty Queen, Current Alaskan Governor, and Future First Female Vice-President Sarah Palin laid waste to her enemies in the democrat party on the second night of the 2008 Republican National Convention. While the esteemed nominee for Vice President is generally given the privilege of speaking on the third and penultimate night of the event, Future President John McCain graciously chose to effectively cancel the first night’s celebration, and instead spend the night bowed in holy prayer as the Republican citizens of the Gulf Coast were terrorized by Hurricane Gustav.

As last night’s festivities began, Mrs. Palin’s fisherman-husband cradled their disabled child. In a nod to Baby Finley, a loving Levi Johnston stood like a man beside his impregnated fiancé, Bristol, manning up to his mistake and making the promise to be the father that B. Hussein Obama’s never was. John McCain bet Mrs. Palin’s beloved first-born son Track fifty dollars that upon the latter's deployment to the Front Lines later this month, he wouldn't succeed in deep-sixing as many of America’s enemies as the Senator did before his brutal incarceration by the Viet Cong.

Rudy Giuliani, best known for saving New York on 9/11 (Never Forget), got the party started by firing up the crowd. Speaking the views of virtually all Americans, he began a “Drill baby drill!” chant, affirming that if John McCain is President, he will burn every inch of American wilderness to the ground before giving another penny to the Islamic world. He proceeded to introduce America’s next Beauty Queen Vice President.

Mrs. Palin turned gender stereotypes upside down as she abused B. Hussein Obama for almost a half hour. She triumphantly accepted her nomination to the cheers of thousands. Hillary Clinton dove for cover as jagged shards of the glass ceiling rained down upon her.

She mocked B. Hussein’s embrace of the sham-global warming movement, screaming to a cheering crowd, "When the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot, what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet?" She pointed out that “[America’s first Black Muslim Presidential Candidate] is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word ‘victory’ except when he's talking about his own campaign.” She emphasized that B. Hussein Obama wants “to [break the back of an innocent] America [under attack by] a dangerous world.” She insinuated that he hopes to see her beloved son on a grainy home video, kneeling without hope at the feet of a bloodthirsty Islamic terrorist.

She went on to smash Joe Biden, the business-as-usual Washington insider who went from decrying the thought of a Hussein presidency, to beaming with glee as the man mouth-kissed his wife on national TV. Biden, who has never owned a penny that wasn’t stolen from the pocket of a hardworking America, has never pulled a trigger for his country.

Sensing the end of the speech approaching, the crowd hushed, solemnly awaiting Mrs. Palin’s last words. They did not disappoint.

“God bless America.”

Mrs. Palin: Let The Grizz speak for America. “May God bless you. Let Freedom Ring.”